Emotionally Awakened
by Unknown Pirate
Summary: I am the girl you ignored. The girl you forgot. I'm the girl who never felt.


Erica, 16, sophomore

My name is Erica Belle Styx, I am 16 and I am a sophomore at Universal High. It's

a nice school, the teachers are great and all, but most of the students really aren't.

They tend to start and spread ridiculous rumors that sound so obscure that there

is no way that any of it is true. Things are never boring though, everyday is hectic

and strange. I don't always notice though, I put in my headphones, turn on my

music, and escape to a whole new world. I love almost all forms of music,

especially 90's punk and grunge! Some people think it's too depressing or too

rowdy, I don't care though. I love this music! I don't tend notice the things that

can cause me to feel a noticeable amount of emotion. I have a hard time feeling

things in general. It feels like I'm stuck in one place and struggling to see out of a

blackout curtain. That is, until I met him. Okay okay, I know what you're thinking,

"Erica that is so trite! And besides, you don't need a man!". Honestly, you aren't

wrong. It is trite and I've survived this long without some man in my life. His name

is Luka Ficamidia, he's 17 and he's a senior. I met him in school while running an

errand for one of my teachers, I was rushing to get some copier ink for

and I was rounding a corner when I smacked right into him! Boxes

of ink went everywhere! I started stammering an apology while picking up the

boxes. He was doing the same and when I looked up at him, I noticed how

beautiful he was. His long black hair was pulled back into a braid, his soft green

eyes focused on finding more boxes, his long slender hands grasped at the boxes

gently, and his graceful form spoke volumes about him. I guess I was staring or

something because my thoughts were interrupted by his gentle voice asking me if

I was okay. I stammered a "yes" and clutched the boxes in my arms closer to my

chest. I remember him helping me up and carrying some boxes to my teacher

with me. As we left the classroom, he stopped and shook my hand, then

introduced himself. I gave him my name and from that point on, I noticed how

we'd pass one another in the hall. As I thought about him more and more, I

realized that certain unknown emotions started appearing. I would be working on

something and be reminded of Luka, then all these strange emotions starting

coming. After a couple weeks of this, things got worse; I would see him and my

heart would flutter and pound, my breathing would stop, my head felt hot and

light, I felt my body get heavy yet feel like I was floating, my body would then start

trembling with butterflies, I would fidget, I would stutter, my voice got higher, my

feet felt hot almost to the point of feeling like they were melting. I felt an

overwhelming urge to go up to him and hug him tightly. It was painful, absolute

torture.

No matter how hard I tried to fight off this feeling, it just kept coming

back. Every time I'd resist, the feeling got stronger. I couldn't handle it and tried to

find answers, at first I thought I may be having a panic attack when I'd see him,

but further research told me it was worse, it was love. The idea of love was

something I hated, I have never witnessed a good healthy romantic relationship

before, though Renee and I could be a good example of healthy platonic

relationship. I've never truly been in love before, I have found someone attractive,

but it wasn't love by any stretch of the imagination. I started reading up on the

subject, trying to figure out what to do. All that did was tell me to flirt with him

and how to do it, which as you can imagine, wasn't very helpful. One day, I saw

him sitting alone at his lunch table, I worked up the courage to walk up to him

and ask to sit with him. I remember him smiling at me and saying yes. I had asked

him why he was alone, and he told me about how nobody he actually knew had

our lunch shift that day due to testing. That lunch period was exhilarating for me,

the feeling was strong and intense. It really hurt, but I loved it. I felt like I was high

and floating above the earth.

Several months passed and Luka and I grew closer. In a fit of pure

confidence, I gave him my phone number! We talked more and more, I kept

getting that intense high feeling even when I was texting him. Though for as great

as it felt, I hated it. I felt the painful side to having a "crush", I didn't know how he

felt about me. The mystery was killing me! However, part of me didn't want to

know, I found myself thinking that the pain of rejection would be worse. Honestly

I began to think about how romantic relationships are painful. If the person who

holds your affection loves you back, the two of you date for a while, then break

up. The broken heart is what you'd feel after the break up, or the rejection. I

found that love, if anything, is a choice; You choose everyday whether or not you

love that person. Many would probably disagree with me, but think about it! After

a certain amount of time the feeling will go away, the excitement is gone, but do

you still love them? Most of the time, yes. You choose to keep loving that person

another day. I found myself feeling frustrated about my feelings for Luka, he is

just so...perfect in every way. I can't help but choose him everyday. He is so

intelligent, sweet, caring, kind, and thoughtful. I grew to hate the feeling after a

while, it was nothing but torture to me, the "Does He or Doesn't He" feeling got

worse especially. I wanted to stop feeling this, it's annoying to be trying to focus

on something and being reminded of him randomly. A couple days ago, my best

friend, Renee, called me and wanted answers. She noticed I haven't been myself

lately, and wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was fine and that

it will all be over soon after I described my feelings for Luka. All she said was,

"Oh.. I hope everything works for you" in a defeated tone. I decided to tell Luka

how I feel, but to eliminate the fear and pain, I will bring some help.

The next day, He came over to my house to help me with some problems I was

having in math; I was ready, I had made peace with myself, I had it loaded, I was

prepared for any possible contingency. I could hear him knock my front door, and

I listened as my mother greeted Luka. I heard her calling me from the door to let

me know Luka was here.

I felt a pang in my chest for my mom, I felt a bit guilty for wanting to do this. I

was all my mom had left, when I was in the third grade my mom was supposed to

have a baby boy. Unfortunately, he died of SIDS. My mother got very depressed

after that, I would find her in the nursery crying bitterly. After a couple of months,

my Dad couldn't take it anymore, and left my Mother and I. She got worse after

that, the divorce was messy, he tried to take me with him, but mom wouldn't let

him. Eventually the court decided that I was to stay with my Mom. I saw her smile

for the first time in a year. Now that I was prepared to do this, I felt as if I was

about to truly have freedom, if this works out, maybe I won't have to deal with the

fear or pain of rejection. I gripped the weapon tightly, thankful that my Mother

kept this thing where I could get it. I had found it in a drawer of the desk in the

study. I heard Luka knock at my bedroom door, I told him to come in. "Erica, I got

your text message. What did you need to tell me? Or did you just need some help

with school work?" he asked calmly. He sounded like the angels I would be

hearing from soon. I turned around and looked him in the eyes, "Luka, for the

past few months I have been having these intense feelings for you. At first I

thought it was a panic attack, but upon further research I found that what I've

been feeling is love. Luka, I love you. I love you so much and I want to be near you

and talk to you, and not be afraid to tell you how I feel; but I can't. I can't do it, I'm

not strong enough to actually deal with this pain. I hate this feeling yet I am

addicted to it, I'm addicted to you, Luka. I can't handle this feeling, I'm sorry."

I pulled out the gun, and put the barrel in my mouth. Before I could pull the

trigger, Luka tried to stop me. He struggled to get the gun away from me, but I

wouldn't let him. I was prepared to die, not to face another horrible emotion. He

pulled the gun away from my mouth, but I pulled it back. He had me on the

ground, shouting at me to stop, that he can help me and that I didn't need to do

this. I didn't care what he said, I wanted to die. I don't want to feel these

emotions. I'm scared of these feelings. I love them, but I don't want the rejection,

I want to go back to feeling nothing. I managed to put my finger on the trigger

and put it in my mouth, Luka was fighting, but I'm far more determined than him.

Luka smacked my arm as I pulled the trigger. A sharp pain pulled my left cheek, it

felt hot, itchy, and it throbbed. The pain was unbearable, I could feel someone

holding onto my body, I saw Luka through the haze. He had me clasped to his

body, yelling for help and for me to stay with him. The last thing I saw was my

mother rushing in and tearing up.

Renee, 15, sophomore

As I watched Erica's mother talk to the doctor, my mind drifted off to a horrible

scenario, what if she didn't make it? I wish she didn't do that, if she wanted

romantic love she could've just told me. I love her, I told her that so many times. I

guess she thought my love was only platonic. it wasn't just platonic though, it was

both platonic and romantic. I love everything about her. I love the way she

brushes her hair behind her ear even though she didn't need to, I love the way

she held me and told me everything would be okay during my attacks, I love the

way she looked into my eyes even though it was difficult for her. I think most of

all I will miss her laugh, she didn't laugh often, but when she did it was electric.

Now, I feel like I will never hear it. I may never get her "goodnight" and "good

morning" texts, I won't see her eagerly waiting for me in the morning at school, I

won't see her eyes light up when I greet her, and I will never hear her talk about

the things she's passionate about. Part of me wants to hate him, he took her away

from me. If she hadn't loved him so dearly, maybe it would be him unconsciously

lying in this hospital bed. Though, I can't blame him. He didn't do anything wrong,

I guess I'm just...angry. It's hard to be mad though, if it wasn't for him, I'd be at

her funeral instead of being by her side in a hospital. I know she loved him, she

wanted to at least be near him to protect him. She has always been that kind of a

person, nobody would've guessed that under that creepy, shy, quiet exterior, was

a large, kind, sincere heart that could never truly hate someone. If she met

someone who she likes, she tries to look out for them and help them as much as

she could. Now she may actually be gone, and I'll be all alone again.

She was my first and only friend. Erica saw past my "badgirl" persona and met me

on the emotional level that was a gaping hole in my life. I haven't felt so empty in

my life, she used to tell me that life for her was like trying to see out of a blackout

curtain. She told me how afraid she was of letting anyone see past the part of her

that she actually showed. She wanted so desperately to push those curtains back

and gaze out the window to see the beauty of the world. She wanted freedom and

adventure, though I feel like I may have held her back. I have always wanted to be

exactly at her side, and in that endeavor, I may have ruined some of her chances

of freedom. I know that if I ever told her that she would deny that I do it, she

would hold me and tell me she knows me and knows that I would never do that to

her.

Until I met her, I hated it when someone touched me, I have been abused in the

past and developed a fear of touch. She was different, she didn't seem to mind

holding someone. The first time we met was in the third grade, I just had some

girls who threw rocks at me. I was alone behind a tree crying, when I heard a girl

ask me if I was okay and why I was crying. I yelled for her to go away and that it

was none of her concern, but the next thing I knew, a pair of arms wrapped

around me and a head was resting on the back of mine. I flinched at her touch,

and she started patting my shoulder and telling me softly that everything would

be okay. Within minutes I felt relaxed in her arms and had wrapping mine around

her waist with my face buried in her shoulder. When I had calmed down, she

asked me again why I was crying. I told her what happened and that the girls

picked on me for being alone. She looked into my eyes, softly smiled, and said,

"Well, now you aren't alone. You have me, and I will always be here with you". I

asked her why she cared and how she knew how to comfort me, she told me

about her mother. Her mother had depression after the child who would've been

Erica's brother died of S.I.D.S . Erica would find her mother in the nursery crying,

and would sit there holding her mother and comforting her. Since that point on,

we did everything together.

She thought it was awesome when it would turn out that we had almost every

class together, I guess she didn't know that I always had the counselors move me

to her classes. We were friends for almost eight years, and I have cherished every

moment with her. Now that there is a possibility that I have lost her, I will be

alone. I will no longer have a reason to so much as get up in the morning. I could

see her mother crying in the hallway, it must be rough for her. First she lost her

little boy, now there is a chance her first born won't recover. What do I do now? I

can't truly comprehend that she is in such a bad condition. She is my world, my

only friend. She helped me through every single one of my panic attacks, she got

me out of that old abusive home, she listened when no one else did. I have to

wonder how Luka is holding up, they were on good terms. He was the first new

person she introduced herself to, and was the first who didn't immediately shut

her out. Along with her crush on him, she held him with high regards and had a

lot of respect for him. I know that if he wasn't at the police station, giving his

statement right now, he'd be standing at my side; holding the cool hand of Erica. I

think he somehow knew she loved him, but didn't want to fully assume. I know

her body language well enough to know that even just seeing him set her heart on

fire, she'd talk about him and her eyes would light up with a starry twinkle, his

voice could melt her heart and evaporate it. She was in love alright, I just wish she

didn't decide to try ending her life because she couldn't handle those feelings. She

described how she felt about him to me once; the way she described all the little

emotions and sensations she feels with him was vivid. Erica has always had a way

with words, she could make the dullest story vibrant; it was definitely something I

admired about her. I looked back down at her, bandages and gauze covered the

left side of her face. I overheard a doctor telling her mother that the stitches

would help, but the emotional trauma would be immense. I hope she'll wake up

soon, the E.K.G's beeping with Erica's heartbeat isn't very comforting. I really just

want to hear her voice again, to see her dark brown eyes open, and to see her

beautiful smile. I moved a strand of her light brown hair out of her face and begin

to tear up, I love her so much.

Luka, 17, senior

I'm looking around the busy police station, I just finished giving my statement and

I'm waiting for my mother to come. I don't know what to do or how to feel about

this! I seriously just witnessed a girl I hardly know, try to kill herself because she

couldn't handle her feelings for me. I'm flattered, but, I'm absolutely shocked; I

don't know how to process this, I can't accept this, I WON'T accept this. Erica

needs help, she really needs it. Did her mother know about her mental instability?

Did Renee? What hasn't anyone try to help her? She really needs help, I've always

had a feeling that Erica wasn't exactly "all there" but she was always so sweet.

Something about the way she acted made me think she may be a bit too closed

off from the world. I remember how she'd randomly come up to me and strike up

a conversation, she'd be a bit flighty and her voice would often tremble.

I want to help her, but I also feel like if I were to actually try, she might still feel

what she may think is love. I don't think it's love, most likely just a crush. Love

takes patience, understanding, and most of all, love takes time. We've only known

each other for a couple months. How can her feelings be anything BUT a crush? I

already know I've never been with someone, not before this incident, and maybe

not after. However, I do care about her and her wellbeing. For all that's happened,

I think she's sweet, and she'll make some lucky person happy. That person is not

me though. I'm just not that interested in love, we are so different from each

other. I know what they say about opposites attracting, but I think while she's

going through this, she's not going to need the added stress of a romantic

relationship. Besides, even if I wanted to date her, I can't. I'm way too busy to be

in a relationship, and not only that, but I'm simply not ready to be a boyfriend or

her boyfriend.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone buzzing. I picked it up and saw it was

my mother calling me, answering I say "Hey Mom, Are you here?". She tells me to

come out and I leave. I can see her in her red Honda, I walk to the passenger side,

open the door, and get in. I looked over at my Mom, she was staring back at me

with a worried expression. "So how'd it go, Champ?" she asks carefully.

"It was fine. They asked me a couple questions, got my statement, and

said it was okay for me to leave." I replied softly.

She nodded, "would you like me to take you to the hospital to see her?"

she asked.

I don't know if I want to see her, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to keep my

distance from her. I don't even know if she made it, and part of me doesn't want

to care. I want to help her though, I want to make sure she's okay, but at the same

time, I want nothing to do with her. Maybe I should go, just to say my "Goodbyes".

I looked into my mother's worried eyes and nodded. She started up the car and

began to drive to the hospital. We were at the first intersection when finally, Mom

broke the silence. I knew she would, Mom has never liked silence.

"Luka, I may not fully understand how you feel, but i do understand how

to be there for my son. So if there is ever a time you need to vent your feelings

about this.. about anything, you can come to me. I know I'm not always there for

you, but I want to. Luka, I do know that this is rough, and you are going to need

time, but I am proud of you. You've handled this like the mature young man I

know you are".

I smiled, she always knows how to talk to me and how to comfort me.

"Thank you Mom, I really do appreciate that. I know I'm not always easy to talk to,

but if anything, I'm happy you've been there for me all my life" I said softly. I

wasn't looking at her, but I knew she was smiling. I know her well, so I know that if

someone says anything kind to her, it would brighten up her day. She's so positive

and happy, I've always admired that about her. We finally arrive at the hospital.

As I got out of the car and looked up at it, my heart sank and my throat felt tight.

I'm afraid of hospitals, I think it started when I was eight: My dementia stricken

Grandma had fallen down her basement stairs one night. She wasn't found until

the next morning when my Grandpa woke up and realized she wasn't sleeping

next to him. He had gone down the stairs and noticed the basement door was

open. He went down to find my poor Grandma, lying on the floor with her right

leg and left arm shattered completely. Aside from the broken limbs, she sustained

horrible internal injuries. I the last time I saw her alive was when I visited her in

the hospital, I had walked into the room, I thought she was asleep. I sat at her

bedside and held her hand, when she suddenly shot up awake, the E.K.G was

beeping furiously and she was gasping violently. I started to scream for help, all

the while her hand was gripping mine tightly. A nurse ran in and tried to help my

Grandma, and after a couple seconds, my Grandma fell back and the beeping

stopped. The nurse frantically tried to save her, but to no avail. My Grandma was

dead, and since then, I have been terrified of hospitals.

I swallowed hard and made my way in, knowing this will likely not end well. It

smelled like latex gloves and cleaning supplies, I instantly felt nauseous. No

matter how bad I feel, I still need to at least make peace with Erica, and say

goodbye. I walked up to the front desk, and was greeted by a twenty something

secretary. He looked at me and smiled, "What can I do for you, sir?". I gave him a

courteous smile and asked him where I could find Erica. He typed something into

his computer and wrote down her room number. He handed the little piece of

paper and I thanked him. As I walked away, I read the room number on the

paper, it would seem she is on the the second floor. I moved to the stairs and

walked up, it said she is in "Room 234". I looked around, the nearest room was

"Room 230" so I know I'm close.

I began walking down the hallway and noticed Erica's mother in tears, sitting

alone in one of the chairs. I suddenly feel a bit guilty, I am a big part of the reason

her daughter tried to kill herself, I know I'm feeling overwhelmed myself. I made

her feel this way without knowing it! If I had known, maybe I could have talked

her out of those feelings. I feel like this was my part, but at the same time I feel

it's her fault too, it was her emotions after all. I take a couple deep breaths and

proceed, I get to the door handle and look back at Erica's mom. She doesn't look

up at me, just sits there crying bitterly into her hands with her head down. I take

hold of the handle, take another breath, and I open the door. Erica's best friend

looks up at me, I remember Erica telling me her name is Renee. She says a soft

"hey" and tells me to come in and close the door. As I get closer, I notice tears on

Renee's face, I feel pity filling my chest. I move past the curtain and realize Erica is

awake. I feel even more nauseated with guilt and fear as I look into her eyes. Erica

and Renee exchange glances, and without saying a word, Renee gets up and walks

out. From the window I see her sit beside Erica's mother. I looked back at Erica,

she motioned for me to sit down. I feel reluctant to do it, but I move to her

bedside and sit in Renee's chair. Erica's eyes pierce mine, I feel like looking away,

but I know I shouldn't.

I know what I want to say, yet I don't know how to say it, this is so much harder

than I could even imagine! She seems like she's studying me, I can tell she's

analyzing my facial expression. After a couple minutes, she speaks up, "I-I-I'm

sorry L-Luka. I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I didn't think things

through, and I should've tried to find help with dealing with this feeling. Even

though I'm scared of your answer, Do you like or love me back?". Her question hit

me like a ton of bricks, I know how I feel about her, but I know it isn't what she's

actually hoping for. I furrow my eyebrows and I look down at the floor.

Taking a deep breath and look back up, "Erica, I care about you, but…. I don't love

you, not even in a friendly way. This incident shows me you need some help from

a loving, supportive person who can be there for you every day. That person isn't

me. I'm not ready to be a boyfriend, and even if I was, as much as I hate to say it,

my significant other wouldn't be you. You need help, and while I want to help you,

I know I'm not adequate to help you. You are unstable and if I caused you to do

this, I don't want to know how you would react to an inevitable break up after a

large amount of time of us being together. If anything, I don't even know you well

enough to even actually consider you a friend!" my voice came out shakily, but

strong. I stand up, and was about to walk out, but Erica grabbed my arm. A

flashback of my Grandmother's death comes to my mind, she tries to say

something but I cut her off, "DON'T YOU GET IT? HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND AND

FOOLISH? I DON'T LOVE YOU! YOU'RE CRAZY SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout at her

angrily. I stop, realizing what I said, I didn't mean to say that or shout. Erica starts

to tear up and lets go of my arm, I feel horrible. "Erica.. I didn't mean to say that!"

I try to say, she tries to sit up.

When she managed to do it, she looks up at me with her eyes filled with hurt. "No.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm crazy, I'm sorry I've never felt that feeling before, I'm sorry

I'm so poorly equipped to understand and deal with it, and I'm sorry I felt so

helpless and horrible that I thought the only way out was through suicide. Above

all, I'm sorry for feeling this, especially for you, but now I'm kind of happy for it. If

this hadn't happened, I would never have seen who you really are and I would've

had to still love you. So thanks for making it easy for me!" she said angrily. I try to

apologize, but she pointed to the door and told me to get out of her sight and to

bring Renee back in. My heart feels heavy, I never meant to be so cruel, but

maybe this was the push she needed. I walk out, the idea of helping her

inadvertently still didn't bring me much comfort. I was horrid and I know I was

wrong and out of line.

Before going back down the hall, I look over to Renee, not looking her in the eyes

I motion for her to go in. I open the door for her, and can hear faint sobbing. My

chest feels tight, as if a snake was constricting around my chest. I walked down

the hallway, my face was starting to feel hot. I think what really bothers me, is

that, I've been lying. I lied to Erica and I lied to myself. I do love Erica, I wish she

didn't try to kill herself, I wish that she could've told me without trying to harm

herself, I would've smiled and held her and told her I love her back, and because

of my stupidity, I have lost her. By the time I got to the stairs, my throat felt hot

and tears began to trail down my face. I sat down on the top step. I buried my

face in my hands and sobbed softly. I'm such a horrible person, I know I will

eventually move on, and the pain will leave, but I do not foresee it leaving anytime

soon. I got up after what felt like ten minutes, as I continued down the stairs, I

wiped my eyes and tried to look like I wasn't just crying. I left the hospital and

found my mother in her car, I got in and told her to please take me home.

I watched the hospital leave my sight in the side mirror as we drove away. Seeing

Erica at school again will be torture, or maybe I could make it up to her.

A month passes by before I saw Erica and Renee again. For a month I

carried around an apology and love confession letter for Erica, each day I'd hope

for her return to Universal High. I walked into the school one morning to see Erica

standing around smiling at something Renee was saying. My heart was fluttering

and I was nervous, I clutched the letter tightly in my hand. As I got closer, I

noticed Renee and Erica was more...close..than I remember. Renee had her arms

around Erica's waist, and visa versa. They were smiling and giggling together, I got

closer and heard something that truly broke my heart. Erica told Renee that she

loves her, I missed my chance..no. I blew my chance.

I was a jerk to Erica and she's known Renee longer anyway. It's my fault I'm not in

Erica's arms and Renee is. I know I can't compete with Renee, and I don't want to

break them up because of my own feelings. Especially after how I acted towards

Erica in the hospital. She looked over and noticed me, her face contorted to a

scowl before Renee moved her face to make look at her. Erica's face went back to

her beautiful smile, and I realized I've lost her. I'm sorry I messed up Erica, but I'm

glad your happy. She will love you, I know you'll be just fine. Goodbye Erica, I'm

glad to have known gotten to know you.


End file.
